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Making Sunshine in the Rain

This whole weekend I have been reading through my old Journals. I realized how much of myself I lost over these last 8 or 9 years of my life.

I met Dave and fell in love and it seems like I have just been reacting ever since...not really taking part or absorbing the things in my life that I needed to. I had finally got myself on track or at least was trying to and then my mother died and that killed the old me.

I couldn't feel anything after she died. I didn't want to feel, I just pushed myself further down into this black little hole. I gave up everything that ever mattered to me because nothing seemed to matter.

I was also stuck in this relationship I had no business being in. I only got married to run away from Dave. I have to be honest with myself. I wanted to run away from my life. My mother and I were in a bad place because I couldn't see straight, I was just flailing around. Not giving much thought to anything.

When she died, I didn't have anything to run away from, I just got trapped. I was still reacting to past situations

All of this year I have been trying to find myself again. Not really knowing how to do it. I used to love music and for many years I just kinda gave it up. I mean I still listened to the radio, but never being into music the way I was before. I used to write stories and do all sorts of crazy things that made me...me

I have been unhappy for so long, just going through the motions for so long...that I forgot who I was.

Dave has always been the exception though. He bridges me from who I used to be. I am always the old me with him. I am just me with him.

I am saying all this to say that I am finally at peace. It has nothing to do with Dave really, but in a way it does. He helped me to find myself again. I had to go back to the start of all the pain and sort of live through it again...to excerise those demons.

Dave will always be apart of me, no matter what happens between us. I don't need him to be anything in my life than what he already is. We are more than friends and I carry him with me always because not to sound cheesy or anything but it's like he touched my soul and a piece of him always lives with me. I don't even try to fight anymore. I love him, always will, no matter what.

I found me again and I realized that is what I have been trying to do for so long. I didn't even know I was lost until I went back and discovered how much of me had disapeared along the way.

I feel like I have just woken up from the longest dream. I am me again. I am finally free of everything that has been weighing me down. I don't know what the future hold for me, but I never plan on letting myself go, like I have been, ever again.


May. 18th, 2009 09:09 pm (UTC)
It's strange how we just get caught up in routines sometimes.We never really take a second to just take stuff in. I needed to take a look at myself and where I'm at. I feel so much better about it too. I really feel like I have been gone & Just getting back. Maybe we can both find some happiness soon, KWIM?